Love. Something so many people think they understand, but truthfully don’t. Most people throw the word around without knowing what it actually means or requires. Love isn’t just a word. It’s not just a feeling. Love is action. It’s sacrifice. It’s presence. It’s truth.

And here’s the problem. Most people have never seen or experienced real love. Your first understanding of love is modeled by your parents. And if they didn’t love you, or each other, in a full, healthy, unconditional way, then chances are, you grew up with a broken blueprint. You were taught dysfunction and called it love.

I’ve read hundreds of male and female energies over the years, and what constantly shows up in my practice is this: people’s idea of love is often completely distorted.

This article is going to focus on that distortion, especially as it plays out in romantic relationships between men and women today. One of the most common patterns I see is unrequited love. A connection where one person is giving more, loving more, investing more, while the other is emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or disinterested. In most cases I’ve observed, it’s the woman giving more to a man who is only halfway in. That’s the version I’m speaking on here, but if you’re a man in that situation, or whatever your dynamic is, take it as it resonates. The roles might shift, but the energy is the same.

That Is Not Love

Let’s be clear. That situation, the one where you’re doing all the giving, loving, waiting, sacrificing, holding on, that is not love.

Love is not one-sided. Love is not confusing. Love is not leaving you in emotional limbo. Love is not purposeful pain. Love is not ghosting, gaslighting, breadcrumbing, or playing games.

Love is two people meeting in the middle. Two people choosing each other. Two people showing up, not just saying the right words, not just offering passion or attention when it suits them. Real love is consistent. It is grounded. It is demonstrated, not just spoken.

I Know That Pain

I’m not saying any of this from a distance. I’ve experienced unrequited love. I’ve felt the kind of pain that makes your chest ache. The kind where you’re giving your heart to someone who keeps you at arm’s length, or only shows up when it benefits them.

That kind of love, the kind where you’re pouring and showing up and hoping they’ll finally see you, that stuff cuts deep. It makes you question yourself. It makes you feel like maybe you’re too much. Or maybe not enough. It makes you feel like you can’t trust anyone who says they care about you because you’ve already heard it before, and they still didn’t choose you.

It’s a harsh kind of heartbreak, and I understand it more than I wish I did.

But I had to learn. When love doesn’t return to you, when it makes you feel small or unseen or constantly waiting, that’s not a reflection of your value. That’s a reflection of where that person is, and where you might be giving too much in places that can’t hold it.

So if you’re reading this and you’re in that kind of love, I see you. I’ve been you. And you deserve more.

Lust and Limerence Are Not Love

Too many people are mistaking lust or limerence for love, and they are not the same thing.

Lust is physical. It’s desire, attraction, and the craving for sex or connection based on appearance, chemistry, or energy. Lust can be intense. It can be intoxicating. But it doesn’t require emotional intimacy. It doesn’t build commitment. Lust alone fades. And lust alone never sustains a healthy relationship.

Limerence is trickier. It feels like love. It feels like infatuation on steroids. It’s that obsessive, fantasy-fueled longing. It’s the daydreaming, the waiting for a text, the high you get from crumbs of attention. It’s rooted in emotional obsession, not emotional connection. And it usually happens with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

Limerence thrives on distance, mystery, inconsistency. It creates the illusion of a deep bond, when really, it’s a trauma response. You’re not in love with them. You’re in love with what you hope they’ll become. You’re in love with the potential of the relationship.

But love? Real love is not fantasy. It is not obsessive. It is not almost. It is not chaos. You can have lust in love. You can feel passion in a healthy connection. But lust and limerence without emotional availability, mutual commitment, and real action is not love and never will be.

Stop Giving Your Power to People Who Won’t Choose You

Sex won’t fix it. Attention won’t fix it. Love bombing won’t fix it.

If a man sticks you with what he thinks is a golden pole, tells you you’re beautiful, gives you inconsistent affection, and calls you baby after two weeks, that’s not love. That’s manipulation, or at best, surface-level desire.

Sex doesn’t create love. Sex doesn’t open the heart of someone who isn’t emotionally available. Sex doesn’t earn commitment.

You could be the most nurturing, intelligent, sexually skilled, spiritually aligned woman alive, and if a man is emotionally shut down, wounded, or simply uninterested in committing, nothing you do will change that.

And for men, the same goes for you. You can’t fix or save a woman with your affection, your money, or your consistency if she doesn’t value partnership or isn’t emotionally available herself.

Your worth is not up for negotiation. Stop putting your self-worth in the hands of someone who hasn’t shown they can hold your heart with care.

Real Love Still Has Conflict But It Doesn’t Become Cruelty

Let me be clear on this. I’m not saying that real love means you’ll never argue. I’m not saying that people in love don’t mess up or go through rough seasons. We’re human. We all make mistakes. We all have triggers. We all come with baggage. Real love doesn’t erase that.

But there is a difference between conflict and cruelty. A difference between an argument and a toxic pattern. A difference between a disagreement and emotional abandonment.

When someone truly loves and respects you, conflict doesn’t turn into ghosting. It doesn’t become name-calling. It doesn’t turn into manipulation or stonewalling. You might have a bad moment, but you communicate through it. You learn. You grow. You take accountability. And if one or both of you don’t know how to do that yet, the willingness to learn how to work through difficulty together, that’s love too.

Love doesn’t mean perfect behavior. It means consistent care. It means handling each other with emotional maturity, especially when things get hard. That’s the difference.

What Does God Say About Love?

Whether you call it God, Spirit, the Universe, or the Divine, the truth remains. Love, in its highest form, comes from the Creator. And divine love? It’s never toxic. It’s never confusing. It’s never one-sided.

Here’s what sacred wisdom across time and culture has made clear:

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love honors. Love protects. Love does not manipulate, boast, or betray.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude… It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4–7

“He created for you mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” — Qur’an 30:21

“They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies.” — Guru Granth Sahib, Ang 788

These truths echo each other. Love is sacred. Love is mutual. Love reflects the divine. So when you’re sitting in something that feels like chaos, when you’re aching over someone who can’t or won’t love you fully, remember this.

Real love aligns with God. And God doesn’t do confusion.

Big Quiz: How to Know If You’re in a Loving Relationship?

Every once in a while, take stock. Reflect. Ask yourself the hard questions about the relationship you’re in, or the one you’re waiting for. Love is not blind. It should be intentional.

Ask yourself:

Does this person meet me halfway?

How do I feel after spending time with this person — drained or energized?

Does this relationship make me feel secure, valued, and respected?

What is this person actually contributing to my life?

Are we aligned in values, goals, and vision for the future?

Do I feel like I can be my full self in this relationship?

Is there mutual effort and emotional labor, or am I carrying the whole thing?

If I stopped initiating or giving, what would be left of this connection?

Does this relationship honor my spirit, or just keep me from being alone?

These are mirrors.

If you’re calling it love, but it hurts all the time, if it’s one-sided, if it leaves you empty, anxious, or constantly questioning yourself, then it’s not love. Maybe it’s lust. Maybe it’s limerence. Maybe it’s something that feels deep because the pain is familiar, or because you’re tied together through shared wounds. But that’s not love.

Love is not meant to destroy you. Love is not meant to diminish you. Love is not meant to feel like a constant question mark.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love protects. Love honors. Love tells the truth.

And above all, love is equal. If it isn’t, then it’s not what you’re looking for.

xo Jessica