Lately, I’ve been sitting with a question that’s kept coming up—not just in my reflections, but in the patterns I see in my practice. Why is it that so many more women than men seem to struggle with anxious attachment? At first, I thought I was overthinking it. Maybe it was just coincidence or bias. But the more I researched, the more I realized that it’s not in my head. There’s a real disproportionate number of young women in today’s society suffering from this attachment style. And it’s not hard to see why when you zoom out.

How Society Fuels Insecure Attachment

This isn’t just about childhood wounds, though those definitely play a part. It’s also about how society conditions women to take on emotional responsibility in relationships. To be the caretakers. The fixers. The ones who hold it all together. Add to that the influence of social media, inconsistent communication, ghosting, and fear-based messaging around love, and it’s no wonder so many women are walking around with open wounds in their relationships. Emotional unavailability is glamorized. Mixed signals are mistaken for chemistry. And the moment a woman sets a standard or a boundary, she’s labeled as “too much.” Research shows that women are more likely to develop anxious attachment due to both biological and social conditioning. Studies also show that childhood trauma in girls can lead to long-term attachment instability well into adult relationships.

The Myth of Independence and the Pressure to “Have It All”

As gender roles have continued to shift, there’s a lot of pressure on women to be both romantically successful and self-sufficient. But somewhere along the way, self-sufficiency got twisted into something else: hyper-independence. This idea is that you should never need help, never depend on anyone, and be proud of doing everything alone. That’s not strength. That’s survival mode. And here’s where the internal conflict comes in. If you’re truly independent, then why are you afraid to lose someone? Why are you over-giving, chasing, or trying to prove your worth in a relationship? That mixed messaging creates confusion inside of you. On one hand, you’ve been conditioned to believe that needing anyone makes you weak. On the other hand, your nervous system is wired for connection. So now you’re performing independence while silently fearing abandonment. Being self-sufficient means you can take care of yourself, yes, but it also means you’re safe enough within yourself to allow love and support in. You can want a relationship and still stand on your own. You don’t have to prove your worth by doing everything alone. Real strength is knowing when to let yourself receive. And in a healthy relationship, you’re not doing all the work. You’re being met halfway.

What Anxious Attachment Looks Like in Everyday Life

In my work with clients, the questions that reflect this attachment style come up again and again: “Do they really care about me?” “Why aren’t they texting back?” “Is it something I did?” Anxious attachment isn’t just about clinginess or being too emotional. It’s about constant overthinking, a deep fear of abandonment, and this overwhelming urge to overcompensate—even when someone is clearly not meeting you halfway.

Common Behaviors of Anxious Attachment

Here’s what it can look like: over-analyzing every little thing someone does or doesn’t do, interpreting silence as rejection, blaming yourself when communication falters, clinging to someone even when they’re treating you poorly, just because the fear of being alone feels worse than the pain of staying. And here’s the painful truth I’ve learned: when someone genuinely loves you, you won’t constantly question it. Real love is backed by aligned actions, words, and energy. If those three things aren’t lining up, then something’s off—and it’s not just in your head.

What Happens When You Date Someone Emotionally Unavailable

When an anxiously attached person dates someone avoidant or emotionally closed off, it becomes a constant trigger loop. You get this hot-and-cold energy. One foot in, one foot out. A flood of attention followed by days of silence. Excuses instead of effort. And in response, the anxiously attached partner doubles down. They start doing the most—reaching out first, initiating everything, over-explaining their feelings, trying to “earn” love by being prettier, better in bed, more supportive, more available. But here’s the hard truth: you cannot “do enough” to make someone emotionally available. If they’re not open, they won’t show up for you, no matter how “perfect” you try to be.

Healing Anxious Attachment Begins With You

Healing anxious attachment doesn’t start with a relationship. It starts with you.

Step 1: Face the Possibility of Losing the Relationship

The first step is learning to sit with the thought: what if this relationship doesn’t work out? That fear is at the core of anxious attachment. So face it. Meditate on it. Let yourself feel the grief, the fear, the sadness. Walk through the pain in your mind, and also the peace that could come after. Ask yourself, if this ends, will it hurt? Yes. But will I be okay? Also yes. The moment you stop trying to control the outcome, you start to regain your power.

Step 2: Start Setting Boundaries

Especially if you’re still in a relationship that triggers your anxious attachment, boundaries are essential. They aren’t about punishment or ultimatums. They’re about self-respect. Communicate clearly: “I need consistent communication, and here’s what that looks like.” “I’m not going to chase, beg, or overextend anymore.” “I am no longer available for breadcrumbs.” You don’t have to yell. You don’t have to beg. Just speak with calm, firm energy. No guilt. No drama. Boundaries are not mean. They are the ultimate act of self-love. You are not pushing people away. You are pushing away harmful behavior that drains you.

Step 3: Take Inventory and Reflect

Take a moment and ask yourself: why did I allow what I allowed? What did I believe about myself that made me think this was okay? What does a healthy relationship actually look like to me? How do I want to feel in love? Safe? Seen? Joyful? At peace? The clearer you are on your own needs and non-negotiables, the less likely you are to settle for confusion disguised as connection.

What a Healthy Relationship Actually Looks Like

This part is so important, especially for those healing from anxious attachment, because it gives you something concrete to reference—so that next time, you’re not stuck in doubt. In a healthy relationship, you don’t question how the other person feels about you. They show you, they tell you, and you can feel it. Their words, their actions, and their energy are aligned. You feel emotionally safe. You can bring up anything—the good, the bad, the uncomfortable—without the fear that it’s going to end the relationship. You feel like you can be fully yourself. You’re not walking on eggshells. You’re not constantly worried that one wrong move is going to make them leave. You don’t feel like you’re managing the relationship alone. It’s mutual effort, mutual support, mutual care. This is what secure love feels like. And it’s not too much to want that. It’s the bare minimum of what you deserve.

Healing anxious attachment is not about becoming cold or detached. It’s not about pretending you don’t care. It’s about realizing that you can love someone and still love yourself more. You don’t need to prove your worth to someone who can’t see it. You don’t need to beg for basic emotional presence. You are not crazy for wanting clarity, consistency, and connection. You’re just ready to stop bleeding for someone who won’t even give you a bandage.

xo Jessica